DISCLAIMER: This entire piece is a work of fiction. (except for the super fun nicknames)
A Highfivepatrol Open Letter:
Dear Erin “Don’t Call Me John, That One Dude Who Created The TV Show ‘COPS’ Which Is Totally Shitty” Walsh.
A few alternate headline nicknames:
-Erin “don’t call me former head of the Canadian Army, Geoffrey” Walsh
-Erin “don’t call me Mikey from The Goonies” Walsh.
-Erin “don’t call me deceased football coach Bill” Walsh.
-Erin “don’t call me Sheila (Christian singer/songwriter/author)” Walsh.
-Erin “I want to bone Kate” Walsh.
Dearest Ms. Erin “Martha” Walshington,
We here at Highfivepatrol miss you. We are bored with our jobs and didn’t realize just how much we care for your mean-spirited, snarky, and often (always) insulting commentary. As a sidenote, we also feel like we may need to look into getting some sort of therapy for our masochistic conversational seeking behavioral tendencies.
We don’t want to come off stalkerish, but when you go on these extended “work trips“, we’re left alone with our strange and fantastic thoughts while also trying to create an atmosphere of actual work production. The result is somewhat lackluster because it turns out we just make sad faces at the computer and end up being called out by our co-workers.
We’d also like to apologize for rejecting so many of your character based blogpost suggestions. We feel that our consistent rejection of your fun-loving if racist and homophobic characters is helping create an environment of negativity which forces you to look for work out of state. But we’re willing to relent if you are willing to come back to the contiguous 48.
Here’s the deal-eeh-oh, c’mon back and we’ll publish:
1 post of: “Jerry the alcoholic/Satanist Indian” – but you can’t use the word “savage” more than twice. Even when referring to the character Jerry the alcoholic/Satanist Indian himself.
1 post of: “Perry the Sexual Predator” – okay, we guess it’s a fun premise, but seriously, lets at least THINK about changing the name (and premise).
and, reluctantly, we’ve decided to let you post 1 (highly edited) version of:
“Dick Balls, The Man Who Has A Dick For Balls And Vice-Versa”. We’re not sure we can begin to describe what’s wrong with this character here but seriously, a dick for balls and vice-versa? That can’t even be close to an actual thing. How would he pee? Did you even think about that? Of course you didn’t.
Okay, we have to go bang some hot ladies, and although not all of us can be trotting around the globe like some sort of globetrotter, we still wish you safe travels and fun adventures.
PS: Erin “don’t call me Brenda” Walsh. Hilarious.
–Highfivepatrol.
