Highfivepatrol

I’ve been absent for a long while.  I should apologize, but I’m not going to do that.  Two reasons; 1, I’m a stone cold badass.  And 2, reason number 1 again.

I would explain my absence in its entirety, but it would likely get me killed by the remnants of the anti-government militia I’ve been imbedded with.  Yeah, Highfivepatrol readers, I’ve been out there on the streets (well, woods in Michigan) putting my life on the line to bring you the real news.  From the streets (back woods of northern Michigan).

As it would turn out, our president may not even be from this country.  I know, weird right?  Well, at least the [possible] foreigner we elected can read and speak actual words, unlike that last doucheface.

I also learned how to make napalm from a guy named REDACTED who kept trying to aggressively F me in my A while telling me that I was a “faggot” for not “playing along”.  Strange times, friends.  Strange times.

After the ATF raid and my subsequent imprisonment/briefing I was able to come back home, relax, ice my butthole and play some good old fashioned video games on my old fashioned high definition TV.  And being the kindly gentleman I happen to be, I’ve listed a review of the games I’ve played.

FALLOUT NEW VEGAS:

This was the most anticipated game of the year (for me).  I loved it.  I loved every inch and every bit of every one of my 80 hours spent playing it.  I also got to murder Matthew Perry with a machete.  But in my defense, he like, totes deserved it, like omg.

CALL OF DUTY: BLACK OPS:

Played this one on the ole’ PS3, super fun, but really, really short.  I didn’t get online because I would have had to get up and plug in cords and shit.  Also, I would have sucked tremendously hard.  The campaign mode is only like 5 hours long but that’s not why people buy Call of Duty (COD) games.  People buy these games for the fun of killing other people online in different eras with different weapons from aforementioned eras.

FABLE III: (that means 3, for those of you who don’t understand roman numerals)

The most improved sequel I’ve ever played.  Really impressive.  A stabby Sims for some, but it was great fun.  A good story and a super, super sweet map.  It takes place 500 years after Fable I, 50 years after Fable II, and hopefully 5 years before Fable IV:  A New Hope.

STAR WARS: THE FORCE UNLEASHED II: (again, for those of you that don’t understand roman numerals, it means 2)

This game was also super short.  And unlike COD this game doesn’t have an online multiplayer that people love to play, so I have no idea why it’s so short.  I assume it’s because George Lucas loves to fuck with me personally, but that’s likely not true.  I’m sure he likes fucking with all of you guys too.  As far as the actual game stuff goes, the backgrounds looks super cool, the fighting is fun but unbelievably repetitive and it’s a fucking shame they even involved Yoda in the marketing scheme.

Lame, It Was.  (see what I did there?  it’s like Yoda was saying that.)

 –jason.